Hades Archer - Penis Metal / 78%

Chilean Phallic Alloy Proclamation jajajajajajaja

Hades Archer from Chile is a cool band exploring the tumultuous sounds of extreme(ly) sexual metal. Led by Nabucodonosor III (not his real name!) who's playing everything except the drums, Hades Archer is surprisingly better than most people would expect even though this EP is named “Penis Metal”. Released before their two truly effective full lengths, this twelve minutes record is a cockslap to the face of metal fans worldwide and proves that the South Americans are the sickest metalheads on the planet.

Their brand of black metal blends both the old school attack of their continent, especially the unrelenting attacks of the Brazilians motherfuckers Sarcofago and Vulcano with this huge bestial influence coming from the Destroyer 666 and Blasphemy schools of riffs. Heinous, fast as fuck. violent black metal approaching black/death metal is what is delivered here. The songs are short, blistering attacks with well written heavy, aggressive riffs and simple yet catchy leads. The production is not quite raw for that kind of metal, it's almost professional and why the hell shouldn't it be! The guitars are ferocious, the drums just can't stop their vicious pummelling and the vocals are cavernous and apt at spouting the dirty, “insightful” lyrics (I think the song “Objeto” features the word “puta” 25 times!)

“PENIS METAL! PENIS METAL! PENIS METAL! PENIS METAL! PENIS METAL! FUCK!”

I dare you all not to sing that insanely stupid chorus! Metal is dumb and it's not for prude little soccer moms who's latest musical discovery is John Moyer, Hades Archer knows that and they do their best to be as kvlt and krieg as possible. Fuck intellectualism, we're not here for that. We're here to talk about penises, goats and Satan, you know, the important stuff. Their sound is the typical Nuclear War Now one, perverse troglodyte war metal metal once created by underachieving musicians who wanted to play heavy or thrash metal but didn't know how to tune their guitar or were too broke to buy a drum set not made of cardboard. It's rough but it's not amateur, there's a distinction to make. The songs are well crafted and they're highly melodic considering their style. It's of course very samey throughout its short length but if you wanted a neoclassical ten minutes instrumental song, you're listening to the wrong band, son.

Nabucodonosor is also in the excellent black/trash power trio Force of Darkness, a bit more my style than Penis Metal. Hades Archer is not as thrashy and it's way more abrasive and savage but without making any melodic or lo fi concessions. This EP, while not as good as “For the Diabolical Ages” or “The Curse Over Mankind” has nothing to be jealous about. It's a strong 10 minutes or a bit more if you have the version with the cool Sodom cover and it fucks right on your kitchen table, bareback style. If you like their style, you'll have a good time. Let the Penis Metal penetrate your head. Thrust me, cool shit.